If you’re here, there is a good chance you have made the decision to break up with your partner, or maybe your partner has ended things with you. For starters, take a moment to breathe. This moment can be very overwhelming and emotional, but you are going to get through it.
Believe it or not, in the long run you are going to be grateful for this moment. It doesn’t feel that way in this moment, but you are actually in the midst of an important transition away from something that was holding you back and towards the type of love you have always hoped for.
Whether this is your first break up or whether you are anticipating one is coming, these are the three stages of a breakup and some tips for navigating the emotions ahead.
1. Grief/Anger.
For many, the beginning is the hardest. Maybe you feel betrayed, and maybe you just feel utterly disappointed. You enter into a relationship with butterflies and a lot of hope. You go through ups and downs and you hope that everything will turn out okay in the end. When it doesn’t, you are not just grieving the person. You are also grieving the future you imagined with them. You are sometimes grieving their family and your mutual friends. You are mourning the loss of routines you created together, maybe even pets you had together.
In that moment you may want to scream, you may want to cry, you may even want revenge. After a few days of isolation maybe you’ll get the urge to start posting provocative pictures on Instagram, teasing that you are getting attention from elsewhere.
You may feel the need to prove that you are not hurt and to show that you’ve won. You may want them to miss you and you may hope to make them regret their decision. You may feel guilt or sadness and feel tempted to reach out to them to see if they are doing okay. You may even tempted to meet up.
The root of all of these scenarios is the same: that person is still controlling your thoughts and your behavior. They may not be in your life, but they are still in your head and maybe even in your heart. So if you do make some instagram posts or start seeking attention from elsewhere, just make sure it is really for you and not for them.
You won’t feel good about decisions you are making under the influence of heartbreak. The real power move is truly moving on and wishing each other happiness, knowing that they are no longer part of your journey.
2. Guilt.
After the initial strong emotions fade, you may start to clearly see mistakes you made in the relationship for the first time. With all of the distance and lack of communication, you may start to naturally see their perspective more and start to self reflect. This is healthy to a degree. Break ups present a unique opportunity to learn from our pasts. That gives us insights into how to build a better future the next time around.
Where this phase can become problematic is if it is left unchecked. This is not the time to reach out to comfort your ex boyfriend or girlfriend with apologies. Respect each other’s process of moving on, and leave them in peace. Saying sorry may make you feel better in that moment, but hearing from you and getting that apology too late may bring them back to a place of frustration and hurt. Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply accept the past, and bring your new lessons into your future.
If you feel guilty, write down your thoughts. Talk with a trusted friend or family member, and promise yourself you will let it turn you into a better version of yourself. Understand that relationships are challenging. They can activate the most vulnerable and sensitive parts of you. If you are carrying hurts from the past with you, relationships can put your unhealed wounds in the spotlight. If that did happen, maybe even consider resolving old wounds with a counselor. Treat it as a welcome opportunity for growth, and don’t hold onto feelings of shame.
3. Clarity.
Once you have moved past grief, anger, and guilt, clarity often shows up when you least expect it. You hurt, you learned, and slowly you readjusted your focus back into your own daily joys hopes and dreams. Suddenly, you clearly see the differences and why you weren’t happy. You also see how you ended up in that relationship and understand why it was something you needed to go through. You feel gratitude for the lessons it taught you about yourself. Now, you may start to have genuine cravings for a new connection that aligns with what you now know you are really looking for. As you start to date again, you will have your dos and don’ts fresh on your mind, and you will protect your standards for your future early on in the process to avoid going through something like this again.
This is the phase where you finally start to feel lighter and more free. This is the positive side of break ups. You are set free from something that was holding you back. You’re ready to move on and find love.
What Breakups Teach Us
Sometimes we need to be put under pressure to see what we are really made of. If you hadn’t been through relationships that were wrong for you, would you really appreciate the right one? Could you really know what you want if you hadn’t already experienced what you don’t what? Could you really work on becoming a good partner if you had never been an immature one? At the end of the day, relationships are a learning process. It is a beautiful journey. And in the end, your romantic life isn’t really about how it started, it’s more about how it ends. The one you build a life and a family with. Every relationship along the way is a stepping stone towards your ultimate happy ending. Embrace your story, and write new chapters!