Breakups are difficult because relationships are built on love. When the relationship ends, it is expected that feelings of love will linger for some time. If you are still feeling love after a breakup, take a deep breath and understand that this is normal. Love is not a switch that you can turn on and off, and sometimes we don’t understand why our relationship had to come to an end.
Either way, a breakup is a decision that is made for both people in the relationship. Once it is over, it’s over, and you need to learn to move on although sometimes that is easier said than done.
But what if I told you that love is not a feeling, rather an ongoing commitment made between two people?
What Is Love?
Love is complex and often misunderstood. For that reason, let’s define the true meaning of love. Love is not only a feeling. It is not the obsessive need you may feel to talk to and spend time with a specific person. It is not your wild imagination dreaming up scenarios that never did and never will happen. It is not the idea of a person, nor the way you hope or dream they could make you feel. You can admire someone and you can even be obsessed with someone, but you cannot love someone if it is one sided.
Love is based in reality, mutual connection, and mutual commitment. Love is what keeps you by your partners side in the moments that you feel hatred for them. It is the glue that holds you together when you can’t agree but decide to keep doing life together anyways. It is far more stable than emotion, it is deeper than a fluttering heart beat.
Love is a mixture of many beautiful and some incredibly frustrating feelings. In the end, it is the thing that makes you realize as crazy as this person can drive me, I truly cannot imagine my life without them.
If both people felt that way, the breakup would not have happened. In the long run the love you think you felt with someone from your past cannot compare to the love you will feel with someone who spends a lifetime by your side. Accepting this reality will help to set you free from the dreamy but painful misconception you may find yourself holding on to.
What Does a Break Up Mean?
A breakup is a sign that there is misalignment between what you felt or believed versus what was really going on. The truth is, our minds are a very powerful thing, and so is desire. Sometimes we want something so bad that we convince ourselves that we have it. When things happen that disrupt the fantasy, we find ways to justify it, convincing ourselves that our dream is our reality.
For someone who finds themselves in this type of relationship, a breakup is a wakeup call. This person is not who you believed they would be when you entered into the relationship. This relationship is not what you imagined or hoped it would be. The sooner you can accept that reality, the sooner you can truly process the breakup and ultimately let it go.
How to Move On After a Break Up?
Moving on from a break up is really a three step process.
Step 1
Accept that things are not what they seemed. If the love was real, the relationship would not have ended. Accept that the relationship may not have been what you imagined it to be, and that is okay. Make a list of what you learned, and what you would like to be different about your next relationship.
Step 2
Shift your focus. This is the fun part. Your mind has developed a habit of prioritizing your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. You are literally programmed to think about them. The best way to break that pattern is to purposefully focus on something else. Every day, start your day by thinking of something you may want to experience or accomplish and then make it happen.
As you dive deeper into your own likes and interests again, the need to think of your previous partner will weaken and you will begin to become the source of your own peace and happiness which is healthier in the long run anyways and something you should keep carrying with you into the future.
Step 3
Start dating! Put yourself out there. Go on as many dates as you want and have fun exploring your likes and dislikes. Be honest about what you are looking for and commit to yourself that you won’t compromise who you are or what you want again. After all, the break up did suck right? We don’t want to go through it again.
Loving yourself: the key to moving on
You are the main character of your own story. So live a good one and make a commitment to not making your story one that you are proud of. As you learn to love yourself, you will experience peace that maybe you have never felt before. And when the time is right, real love will find you. You just have to be brave enough to keep walking forward.