Welcome to VOBR, my name is Samantha Miles and I am the founder of this space dedicated to helping individuals and couples understand how to navigate their challenging relationship or move on from it.
For many, falling in love doesn’t come easy, so finding a special connection feels like something that is worth fighting for. But what happens when you realize you and your partner have different values, levels of emotional intelligence, or conflicting career paths? What happens when one partner desires children and the other does not, or when you just can’t seem to get along with each other’s families? What if differences that once felt possible to look past are suddenly disrupting your peace daily?
These are the difficult questions we hope to help you tackle as you may be contemplating a decision that could affect the trajectory of your life – and your partner’s. Breakups can be depressing and overwhelming. Sometimes after a breakup you cannot imagine what your life would be like moving forward, and it can take a lot of intentional effort to let go of that connection that took so much time to build. Beyond recovering from a breakup, you may struggle to open your heart again. You may feel confusion, sadness, disappointment, and even fear for the future.
VOBR is a place that can help you process these intimate difficulties. Your best days are ahead, you just might need some guidance to get there, and that is exactly what we are here for. Whether your goal is to work past complex differences or to make the necessary decision to move on, we are here to support and guide you through the transition. At VOBR, you are not alone. When going through a break up is important to communicate and socialize, if your social circle is limited, then try to use an adult phone chat company to just vent out and share your emotions with others.
Should I Break Up With My Partner?
One of the most frequently asked questions we receive is should I break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend? Deciding whether or not to end a relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend can be extremely daunting. Sometimes you and your boyfriend/girlfriend no longer even enjoy each other’s company, however your lives are intertwined and the familiarity is comfortable. For that reason, many people stay in relationships that are not satisfying and end up sacrificing their happiness and needs instead of confronting the truth head on.
In other cases, sometimes you and your boyfriend/girlfriend may come from difficult backgrounds and may love each other, but have poor relationship skills. Maybe it is hard for you and your boyfriend/girlfriend to communicate during conflict, or maybe it is difficult for the two of you to feel safe and loved. In those cases, changing partners will not solve the underlying issues that you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have. Instead, if both of you are willing, you may need to build a better relationship together by learning new skill sets that will help your relationship succeed.
In both situations, the solution requires extreme honesty from both you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. If one or both partners resonates more closely with the first scenario where they are only in the relationship because it is comfortable, a breakup unfortunately is advisable. Sometimes taking a risk and getting out of your comfort zone is the only way to find what you are truly looking for.
If both partners genuinely feel that the second scenario is more accurate, then the relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend can be repaired if both partners are willing to work on the relationship together. If either partner is dishonest in this evaluation of the relationship, it can lead to prolonging a partnership that is keeping you both from finding a more suitable match and overall happier romantic life.
Either way, it is important to approach your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend thoughtfully. If you feel unsure about your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend, don’t worry, you are in the right place. We are here to gently guide you towards the solution that is right for you and your relationship.
Does Taking a Break in a Relationship Work?
Taking a break in the relationship is a common approach that many couples take as they try to evaluate what is right for them. Early in the relationship, prior to serious commitments being made, it can be advisable to take space from the person you are dating. In longer-term more committed relationships, taking a break from your partner can do more harm than good.
Going on dates for fun and to learn more about yourself can be a very healthy decision, however once you enter into a long term and deeply committed relationship it is very important that both partners have a mutual goal in mind for the purpose of the relationship.
If you and your committed partner both desire marriage and children, taking a break will weaken trust between partners. Those who seek marriage want to have a reliable partner that will be loyal and loving through sickness and through health. Both partners should agree to not abandon the other when relationship challenges arise.
If you and your committed boyfriend/girlfriend cannot successfully work through conflict during the dating phase, continuing to invest more time into an unstable foundation may not be wise. Dating is a pathway to marriage and a preview into what is to come. If the only solution for a couple is to part ways, it is better for that decision to be a permanent one. You deserve the kind of love that your partner can’t imagine losing.
What Is the No-Contact Rule?
After a breakup, there may be moments that you start to miss the positive parts of your past relationship. Maybe you see something that you know would make your ex boyfriend or girlfriend laugh. Maybe you are eating at a restaurant that you and your ex boyfriend or girlfriend loved and it sparks good memories. Maybe you know you don’t love your ex boyfriend or girlfriend but you feel lonely and miss having them by your side as you fall asleep. All of these things are natural parts of the mourning process, after all, your life is changing and you are losing something that was once a treasure to you.
The no-contact rule is a way to protect you from your own delusions. The reality is, if you and your ex partner were truly a good match and if you both really wanted to continue living life together as a team, you both would have found a way to stick together and navigate the difficulties of the relationship. For some reason, you couldn’t, and that reason is your road map away from your past and into your future. Rather than reminiscing on the good, it is actually freeing for you to remember why the breakup happened.
It will keep your mind clear as you create distance from a path you are no longer meant to be on. That clarity will guide you to a better future, but that won’t happen if you keep glancing over your shoulder back at your past. The less you talk to/about your previous partner, the less you will think about them, and eventually they will no longer have relevance in your mind or heart, which is healthy.
Letting go is freeing your heart from the emotional hold your partner once had over you. The more you involve your previous partner in your day to day life, the more difficult that becomes. You were not in a relationship for friendship, you were in it to find a partner and that person could not be that for you. By the very nature of your past relationship, that person is no longer neutral and should not be treated as neutral. No contact is the best way to respect your previous partner, yourself and your future partner.
Tell Tale Signs That Your Ex Wants You Back
Sometimes breakups are not mutual. Your boyfriend/girlfriend may have wanted to keep trying, but you did not see a future. Or maybe it was vice versa. Maybe you wanted to stay in the relationship but the other person decided to leave. Either way, sometimes relationships end without clarity or a sense of resolution, and that lack of clarity can be very difficult to navigate.
Signs that your ex boyfriend or girlfriend want you back always include that the person finds an excuse to stay in contact. A big red flag is the ex boyfriend/girlfriend that says they would like to stay friends. If the partner that initiated the breakup says they want to stay friends, it usually is a sign that they would like to keep you on the back burner as a backup plan in case they don’t find another partner.
If the person that was broken up with wants to stay friends, it is almost always because they hope their former partner will change their mind. To avoid all of this drama, go no contact and thank me later.
Breaking Up in a Marriage vs in a Relationship
Relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends are not as serious as what marriage entails. Marriage should always be treated with a different level of reverence as the vows go deeper and the expectations are much more extreme. While breakups are hard, a divorce comes with its own set of challenges. You can break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend for virtually any reason and will be able to move on without much damage done in the long run.
Marriages ending hurt not only you, they hurt the families involved and definitely the children when children are part of the picture. Divorce can be the right solution, but it needs to treated as a last resort. If you are being abused or your partner is unfaithful, this rule does not apply to you. No one deserves to go through those things and you do not owe your loyalty to those types of situations.
No matter what is going on in your life and your relationship, we are here to help. We are so glad you found us. Count on us to help you through this, things will get better.