Evaluating the big decision:
Before you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you will want to feel confident in your decision. The truth is, the decision to initiate a break up should not be made hastily in most cases. If you are experiencing a disloyal or abusive partner, you are the exception. Do what you can to safely separate yourself from the person and the situation as quickly as you can. Reach out to your support system and let them know what is happening. If you don’t have a support system, reach out to local resources dedicated to helping victims of domestic violence and abuse.
If that is not the case for you, but you remain unsure of whether or not your relationship is right for you, read on.
Questionnaire: Pre-break up questions
1. Are you being influenced by outside stressors?
Before diving too deeply into an analysis of your relationship and whether or not a break up is the solution, it is important to begin with an evaluation of your current emotional state. Have you recently experienced a significant loss or disappointment? This could involve friendships, family, your work situation or financial stress.
If you are a female, are you being triggered by any hormonal factors? For example in your luteal phase the week prior to your period do you notice your serotonin levels drop resulting in increased feelings of hopelessness and depression? If so, you’re not alone, this is biology and it can really play with your emotions.
If you are under significant stress, make sure that you are taking extra care of your mental health. Sometimes it easy to feel disappointed by our loved ones when we are experiencing overwhelming stress in other aspects of life. Sometimes these phases pass, and when they do, the relationship naturally improves. It is essential to take inventory of what is happening within you prior to making any decision.
If your feelings of stress are genuinely stemming from the relationship itself and not compounded from outside stressors, this is something to seriously note.
2. Is your relationship stress a reoccurring pattern?
The truth is, we all have big differences from our partners. It is no secret that often times opposites attract. In some aspects your partner’s differences will complement you, and in other times it will create an inevitable clash. Those clashes can lead to minor ongoing irritations as well as massive misunderstandings. The question is, do you still truly love your partner on their worst days, or are there negative traits genuinely overwhelming?
When you clash on core values, it is another factor you should take very seriously. If you are someone that needs honesty but have a partner who tells you white lies, the relationship may be unbearable to you both. What they perceive to be innocent half truths to spare your feelings for you could be signs that you can’t count on their word.
Before you know it you are living in fight or flight mode and your nervous system never gets to rest. Meanwhile, your partner may experience this as constant over reactions, leaving you both hurt and confused.
Conflict and clashing is not a sign to breakup, but true misalignment is. If you see relationships and your dreams for the future as a mismatch, jot that down somewhere. It’s something we will need to revisit.
3. Can you imagine your life without them?
This might be painful to imagine, but I need you to try. Imagine waking up each day and your partner is not around. Imagine your favorite day to day activities and remove your partner from the memory. Imagine some of your favorite vacation moments and take them out of the picture in your mind. Remember moments with family and take them out of the equation.
Imagine telling their family goodbye, and never speaking to them again. Imagine their name will never pop up in your texts again. No more social media updates. Now imagine your biggest fights and your daily irritations. Imagine your partner is gone then, too. Allow yourself to feel the relief. Imagine them driving away and never coming back. Imagine them with someone new, and imagine yourself dating again, getting to know another person.
Allow yourself to feel a rush of emotions. Maybe you will feel panic, heartbreak, fear, and maybe at some points relief. Let the entire emotional roller coaster pass and allow yourself to come back to a calm state of mind. Look back at the emotions your roller coaster created in an observational way, as if you are giving advice to a friend. Tell that friend what you believe is best for them.
The truth is, if you are considering breaking up and the emotions you felt during this exercise were primarily positive or neutral, make note of it.
4. Do you feel like you are able to stay true to yourself in this relationship?
Within this relationship, are you able to be yourself? From living out your dreams to allowing yourself to be in good moods and bad ones, does your partner give you the space to truly just be, without stress? If you are having to sacrifice key pieces of yourself to stay in the relationship, it is time for a breakup. Much like gaining the world and losing your soul, if you can’t truly be yourself and have a life with this person, don’t give your life away.
You will find a love that compliments who you are. Don’t hold onto someone who is holding you back. If you are able to be yourself and you allow them to be themselves, too, it is also something to consider. Sometimes we take the little things for granted. And sometimes the little things actually end up being the big things.
5. Do you find yourself thinking about being with someone else?
This one is going to sting but you will need to be honest about it. The answer will help you. Do you find yourself secretly fantasizing about being with someone else? Someone who makes you feel loved, misunderstood, and alive? If the answer is yes, it is a breakup sign. If the answer is no, it can be a sign that your relationship needs work but that you can do that work with your current partner.
The moment you start fantasizing about being with someone else is the moment you will realize that you’ve fully given up on your current relationship. That is something beyond noteworthy.
Making the break up decision
Now that you have taken some time to think through the different aspects of your feelings and your relationship, it is time to evaluate your notes. Feelings aside, treat the information as valuable data. Does your data reflect a negative trend or a positive one? Using this information and pretending it is coming from a beloved friend, would you advise them to leave or stay? Use that loving advice and apply it to yourself. With honesty and reflection, trust yourself to make the right decision and don’t look back.